An Amish Memoir: Saloma Miller Furlong's Story of Why She Left
The author in second grade in the 1960's
Saloma Miller Furlong 2010
Saloma Miller Furlong has an amazing story. The little Amish girl on the cover of her memoir and the Smith College graduate on the back cover represent two worlds. These two photos illustrate a life journey that has covered, so far, a relatively short distance in time and space, but a huge one in world view.
Naturally the reader wants to know the story between the covers. How did Saloma escape a dysfunctional family in a closed community and find happiness as a professional woman living in New England?
Since being Mennonite is central to my own life story, and since Mennonites and Amish were once the same Anabaptist faith and retain some distinctive traits among Christian groups, I was happy to receive this book from the author and to read it with care.
The book tells the story of both worlds–the Amish childhood and the contemporary professional woman working at Amherst College. Most readers will come to the book because it promises secrets of Amish life that are often hidden in romantic images popularized by mass media. The truth is that Amish families contain some extraordinary resources for collective support but that this support is not equally distributed to all. And they have their share of sin and shame hidden behind closed doors.
Strong boundaries between the Amish and the outside world are maintained by language like Hochmut (for high, prideful, independent living) and Demut (for low, humble, community-focused Godly living) and by a theology that focuses on eternal punishment for being Hochmut. Inside the community, there are more complex layers of social control. Saloma suffered under one of these.
If she had broken her leg or their house had burned down, the whole community would have gathered round to sympathize and to work collectively to restore the innocent victims to wholeness. However, if someone (such as her father) was thought to be lazy or simple-minded–or was depressed and just looked lazy or simple-minded–the community had other explanations and reactions designed to turn this person and his entire family into a cautionary tale for the edification of others. Furlong describes the result this way: “The Amish way was to ‘shame’ the person into working harder and helping himself–and likewise, if someone was simple, he should just ‘smarten up.’ So instead of trying to help Datt (Pennsylvania Dutch name for Father) improve his situation, the people in the community shamed him. He was still included in all the community events, but the Amish have a way of both including and isolating someone at the same time. . . .the pressure to conform never ceases, and so in this way, the person–a person like Datt–feels like an outsider within the community all his life.”
Furlong shows a depth of comprehension of the positive and negative in her life that probably would not have been possible had she written her memoir earlier. I have a sense of deep forgiveness and calm when I read even the worst things in the book–especially when her brother abused her.
Which brings up another issue, one that memoirists face directly when they write about family members, especially those still living. How tell your own truth when it sheds a very bad light on someone else? I criticized Rhoda Janzen in this review blog post, which started up a storm of comment, for displaying gratuitous condescension toward her sisters-in-law in Mennonite in a Little Black Dress.
Rhoda Janzen
But what if the criticism is not gratuitous but central to the plot? What if it “outs” a brother who apparently has gained good standing within the Amish community? What if it tells old secrets about a father after he is gone?
Clearly, Furlong has had to face these questions before approaching a publisher. She has had to prepare heart and mind for whatever reaction she might receive from her family, the Amish community, feminists, and anti-feminists.
I think she hits the mark between honesty of detail in describing the abuse and non-romantic appreciation for the good times just about perfectly. This is no small feat. She has Mary Karr’s maturity without her hilarity. She has Mildred Armstrong Kalish’s nostalgia for rural life without her rosy life story.
Furlong’s book arrives on the scene at a time when memoirs from Anabaptist (Mennonite, Amish, Hutterite) women are sweeping North America. Ankita Rao, of Religion News Service did not include Furlong in her survey of the scene, but if you are interested in reading about three other books, you can find summaries here.
I recommend this book to anyone interested in a clear-eyed look at Amish life told by a woman who has maintained the best of her tradition outside the church.
As for any deficits in the book, I had only one disappointment (and a few minor editorial quibbles which I won’t mention). The disappointment centers on wanting to know more about the current Saloma Furlong and more about the psychological, spiritual, and emotional journey she took after she escaped the Amish community. The material about childhood is important and well crafted, but how did she create her currently thriving life? What were the obstacles, ingredients? Who were the other helpers along the way? How did she meet her supportive husband? How did she not end up with an abusive partner? How did her Amish upbringing help and hurt her in establishing this new life?
Perhaps Saloma Furlong will write a second memoir that both traces the steps to independence and then leads her back again to the place where she is now–free, forgiving, and more than forty. She has bucked the odds a thousand different ways. How did she do it? She seems to understand that readers will find her Amish past interesting, but perhaps she minimizes her current life because it seems too ordinary. I don’t think it is.
So let’s ask for Volume Two!
Readers: how many Amish or Mennonite or Hutterite memoirs have you read? What makes them interesting (or not) to you?
I MUST read this one. Just skimmed your review. Often thought of my own mother needing to put a book together like this. Sometimes I think there is so much she could write about that it must be overwhelming to put it all into words. Thanks for this.
Thanks, Barbara. I will be sharing my copy with your mom, and we may go to a book signing in Charlottesville. I know you will enjoy reading the book also. Thanks for the comment!
Hi Shirley,
This is a great review and makes me want to read the book. It’s clever that she left you curious about what happens next. It sounds like you’re already lining up to read her next book.
The piece in your review that caught my eye was that you related to the memoir because of your personal connection with the subject. This hints at a fascinating unexpected pleasure of reading memoirs. We read them to learn about people on the other side of the world. And we also read them to learn about ourselves. I grew up Jewish, but I am just one person. By reading memoirs, I have learned so much more about my heritage, and how that experience worked for other people. This is one reason why memoir reading is so stimulating. It expands my world outward and inward at the same time.
Jerry
Memory Writers Network
Hi, Jerry. Happy New Year! You are perceptive, as ever, about the role memoir plays in enlightening us, whether we are reading about people from our own backgrounds or those very different from ourselves. We who only live one life by making thousands of choices along the path can experience the “road not taken” or the “path never meant for us” by listening deeply to someone else’s story. So true!
I meant to put the URL for Saloma Furlong’s
blog in the post. Since I forgot it inside the post, here it is. Enjoy: http://salomafurlong.com/Welcome.html
Look for the tabs for recipes, quilts, and other skills Saloma continues to enjoy based on her heritage.
Thanks for the heads-up about this book. I can’t wait to read it, and even before I do, I’ll second your motion for Volume 2. The process of becoming holds the utmost fascination for me.
Your description of how people are made to feel like chronic misfits within the “supportive” whole should resonate with legions of readers. The longer I live and talk with people, especially students in my life story writing classes, the more I realize that nearly everyone felt “different” at one time or another. It’s a ubiquitous condition, thus a true magnet for attracting readers.
I also enjoyed reading your review of Mennonite in a Little Black Dress. I also reviewed that book, but lacked the degree of insight you have into the fine points of being Mennonite. The sister-in-law story that got to me was the one about the bikini that revealed … too much.
Finally, I appreciated your remarks on the “how much is too much” issue. That’s an ongoing challenge for nearly all life story writers whether they write vignettes or formal memoir.
Sharon,
Thanks for sharing your insights from your own experience of blogging and helping other people share their life stories. I am intrigued that you have found most people have, to larger or smaller extents, felt isolated or alienated within some group. It’s important for those of us who come from sectarian religious backgrounds not to feel too “special” about our differences. Most people experience difference!
Perhaps difference creates both painful and more positive memories? I discovered early on, for example, that outsiders were fascinated with the external markers of my faith, such as the net prayer covering I wore every day. Being asked to tell my story was sometimes fun. Being forced to sit on the sidelines in gym class while my classmates learned to square dance was not much fun.
Ah-ha, so that is the reason why you love to dance now, Shirley….making up for too much time spent on the sidelines!
Exactly, Karin.
You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood”? I think of that when I remember being on the sidelines. Or, another favorite, from “When I am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple” I’ll “make up for the sobriety of my youth!”
I’ve used that phrase more than once.
Thank you for your review of this book; it’s on my “must-read” list as a result of my reading it. I have long been fascinated with the Amish way of life, especially since I reconnected with my maternal birth-family and discovered my Mennonite heritage.
Thanks gain for a compelling review of this book.
I’m so glad you found this post and this blog, Linda. I’d love to have you sign up to get all my posts. You sound like the ideal reader. Do you know that there is a Center for Mennonite Writing online, also? It’s located at Goshen College, where I spent many of the best years of my life. And it attracts some truly wonderful writers and conversations. http://www.mennonitewriting.org/
I’m also glad you are going to buy the book. One of the reasons I blog is to help support other writers. Saloma deserves a wide audience, and I actually think she is going to get it. I learned (she wrote me an email after she saw this review) that she has Volume II and III in planning stages. I didn’t know that, but I am pleased that my major criticism above will be addressed in future books.
This looks like a memoir I’ll want to read.
Good, Nancy. Please come back and tell us what you thought after you’ve read it!
Saloma was in the same elementary class with me. She, in fact,was a best friend of my childhood. After she was forced to leave thepublic school. We never heard from her again, and thought of her often through the years. I just read her book and cried several times, never knowing what she went through.Now we have an urgent desire to contact her. Like one of the chapter titles in her book I wonder, do you remember me, my Saloma? Please help me contact her.